The extractor fan on the cooker stopped working.

I was reluctant to get it fixed but Mr HW insisted. “We’re paying a lot for this villa so we shouldn’t settle with things that don’t work.” I could see his point but I groaned anyway.

Most villas here come with a maintenance contract. Sounds flash doesn’t it? Sounds like a snuggly blanket on a cold day doesn’t it?

Mwuahahaha!

The day arrives. One maintenance man is up the ladder doing something with the cooker hood. Another maintenance man is passing him tools. The third maintenance man stands by the kitchen sink drilling.

Drilling’s good – that’s a maintenance man activity isn’t it?

Well it might be if he was using a Black & Decker. Instead he’s using his finger and he’s boring into something up his nostril. He’s going at it in furious abandon, knowing I’m standing two feet away from him yet that doesn’t seem to matter. Twist and turn, pull, push, ah yes another twist, gently does it…

I’m gaping in disbelief. What do I do? Should I throw a hissy fit in Dubai Diva style? No, course not. I’m an NLP Master goddamit. I can deal with this.

I tear off a piece of kitchen towel and pass it over to him. “Excuse me, would you like this?”

He looks at the kitchen towel like he’s never seen one before. His finger is still in his nose. Blimey, it’s not his finger, it’s his thumb.

The man on the ladder turns round when he hears me speak and sums up the situation. He says something in Malayam and the nosepicker goes to wait outside. I see him returning diligently to the task from which he was so rudely interrupted.

Mr Ladder explains the boy is new and doesn’t know any better. Just as he finishes speaking, his companion Mr Tool suddenly clears his throat and before you know what’s happening, he’s hocked an oyster into the sink.

Oh Disinfectant, Bleach and Self-hypnosis, how many ways do I love thee…

I think it’s time to learn some DIY.